Loss

I think this has been a few of the craziest, blurriest days of my life. I guess I'll just start at the beginning - 2 mornings ago.

Wednesday morning I went in for a regular prenatal appt. I had been feeling 'weird' for a lack of better words for about a week or so and so I wasn't completely shocked when the doctor was having trouble finding a heartbeat. She got out the ultrasound and after several difficult mintues, two different doctors confirmed that there wasn't one. Of course this was shocking and sad. I was processing the information when I asked what the next step was. This was a complete shock though, when I found out that I would have to deliver the baby... Luckily a friend was watching the kids for me, and Josh was able to come right away to be with me. There were lots of tears shed in the next hour or so. It was a shock to both of us as we worked to process what would happen over the next few days and how life would change.

We both went together to a different office where they again confirmed what the first doctor had seen, and also told us that it was a boy - which we all had already known. Josh was perfect. I am so grateful to have had him through this all. I couldn't have done it without him. I am also so grateful for my beliefs... this has been a strengthening experience for both my testimony as well as for my relationships with my husband and children.

We set up for Friday morning to go in to the hospital. On Thursday Josh's mom came down to stay with us and to watch the kids Friday and Saturday. We were overwhelmed by our wonderful family and friends. We were brought flowers and food (oh how my friends know I love food!!) and hugs and tears. Some of them took the kids so Josh and I could rest and think... I can't express what a wonderful and amazing feeling it is to feel so loved, even through a difficult time.

Thursday night Josh gave me a blessing. It was a very special experience that I will never forget. The kids were there with us (and Nancy) and of course Robbie isn't the most reverent of kids. He was bouncing around as Josh began to pray, but then a couple minutes later he sat quietly for the rest of the blessing, and both him and Mariah had their hands on mine. I felt so comforted after that and knew that although things would still be hard, that they would be alright, and that my Heavenly Father was watching over me. I knew that we would see our little boy again someday and be able to hold him and get to know him and that through him, our family would be strengthened.

Bright and early Friday morning (6:45!!!) Josh and I headed to the hospital. His sister Tina was so sweet to meet us there. It was a bit of a rush of emotions as we walked by the sweet new babies in the nursery, knowing what was ahead and that that wasn't part of it this time. Any of you that know me really well know that I am a total needle FREAK! A freak as in, they FREAK me out!!! Mostly IV's and having my blood drawn - both of which happened so much in next 24 hours that I wanted to punch the next person that stuck me with a needle!

Getting the IV was a huge ordeal. I was literally stuck over 10 times and by three different people before they could get the darn thing in. I thought I was going to pass out. Josh and Tina were trying to keep me sidetracked. Then I was given medicine every 4 hours to begin contractions etc.

After a long day the baby finally came out. He was so small, but so sweet. All of the nurses and doctors were so compassionate about the situation. We were waiting on the placenta to come out, but I was losing a lot of blood so I had to be taken to surgery which I was very scared and upset about. Josh gave me another blessing which helped me to remember to have faith - faith in God's plan for me, faith in the doctors and their abilites etc. After that I was comforted yet again and knew that I would be fine. I don't remember much of the next couple hours, but I woke up and they told me that everything had gone well. All I wanted was to be with Josh (he obviously wasn't able to go into surgery with me), so a nurse even gave me her personal cell phone to call him and tell him I was ok.

We were taken to a different room - it was probably around midnight at this time and I was worn out - both physically and emotionally (and so was my sweet hubby). I was relieved though, that it was done. The worst was behind us. They brought the baby to us and we were able to hold him one last time. They put his tiny little footprints on a paper with his name: Ryan Anthony Davidson. And they even made a little bracelet that says "Ryan" on it. I think it's perfect that we have a little something to remind us of him and of that day, and to remind us to look forward to the day we will meet again. I wasn't expecting them to do anything like that. Again, I can't emphasize enough how amazing everyone at the hospital was...
My sweet Mariah has been so strong through all this, which I'm sure has been very confusing and difficult for her as well. When we first told her I don't think she quite understood completely. But later that night when I told her that yes the baby was coming out but that we wouldn't be taking him home she lost it. She just cried and cried. I told her that he was so lucky that he gets to be with Jesus already and that he would be watching over us. After asking me lots of questions (that were hard to answer) she calmed down. The next morning when we woke up I asked her if she thought it would be a nice sunny day again (this was Thursday morning). She looked out the window and said, "Nope, gray and dark. Do you know why it is?" "No, why?" "Because Heavenly Father and Jesus are fixing our baby. The next day that it's sunny, then the baby will be in heaven and all fixed."

Well today is Saturday and what do you know? It's a beautiful sunny day, and I know why. I also know that all things, especially trials in life, happen for a reason. They happen to strengthen us, prepare us and teach us. Although I never would have chosen for this to happen to our family, I am grateful that it did. Grateful for the chance to grow and learn. I know the difficulties aren't over, and that hard days are still ahead. But I feel so much peace, love and gratitude that it really is overwhelming to me. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for our family. We have felt those prayers, and still are. We love you all...